Little moments

Is it the music?

There are times when I feel so low, as if I want to hide under the ground.Or build our own giant shoe box just for myself so I can feel a little comfort in my own safety zone...
Maybe the truth is, nothing is right...but there's always time when I was sitting in my car looking up to the sky, under the partly cloudy weather...slowly...slowly driving under the constellations of life...going into the highway, watched everything so far ahead as i saw many lines spread from the electricity pillars that stands so high...Then I would start to count every single details I've missed in my drawings...

Or when I woke up in the morning, and drizzles of rainy day peeking from the window pane. Playing a tune of a wonderful melancholy sound...a reminder of November month that once feels so grand to me...my personal treasures...

When I carefully steps downstairs in the morning to have my breakfast and morning coffee...Seems like I want to stop the world, right here...just let me have this moment here a little bit longer...When the sky is clearly blue and you know nothing is wrong...everything will be quite alright...

Slightly...slightly you start to hope again...

The past won't haunt you anymore...they're long gone...and the moment you keep...it stays in your heart...

Slightly...you know nothing to worry about...

Slightly...

Deep breath...nothing is wrong

I'm happy

I Took Pictures

There are days when I decide to learn something, and today is the day when I decide to learn to take photograph...

Leica is the best to learn with, so I can have strong basic in photography. Well thats what my photography teacher said. He said learning with manual camera is better than learning with digital, since I have never learned photography in my life, so I have no power but to follow exactly what he said, hahaha

As a first timer, I went out outdoor and see what I could do with the camera. With little knowledge that I've received from him, I took picture of the branches and trees I could see from my house. I think I did some mistake on the focus, but slowly I could develop to deal with it...or should I say "I wish it's not out of focus". Since it was a manual camera, so the result will remain a mystery until I've finished one roll.

I've been wanting to learn photography in long time,because I've always thought that pictures is somewhat magical. You can have a piece of your memory before it's completely gone. We only live in a moment, It is hard to unlock the meaning of that famous quote we've heard many times. But it is true. The easiest example is when you try to remember about your childhood, when you're a kid seems like it takes forever until you're a teenager. But now you're all grown up with job and different life. And all of those moment you've spent on your life, it's all gone. You're here right now. In this year, not yesterday, not tomorrow. Not an hour ago, not an hour later. But now, and everything behind you has leave you in a speed you couldn't possibly imagine.

Like my dearest friend always said...time flies, so do I want to keep a piece of my life? "yes"

And the only magical tool the genius has ever invented was 'camera' not time machine, maybe not yet. But for now, it's a camera.

In my opinion, I think I'm quite fortunate to learn how to use it . My photography teacher said,

"Learning photography is like piecing a puzzle, if you try to understand just one bits of each part, you wont get it...because every bits of puzzle is like a key that holds one picture together...it was all connected. If you know how to connect them, then you will understand"

As interesting as it may sound, taking a picture with manual is actually not easy. It makes you feel nervous. You would guess, how is it going to look like! You get butterflies every time you feel like you did a mistake. It's kind of an adventure. A little tense and makes you appreciate the greatness of all great photographer in the past before digital was invented. It's not like I disagree with digital, all I'm saying is there's some kind of a thrill you could not get from taking pictures with digital.

God, I'm so excited with this photography stuff and it makes it so obvious to see that I'm a truly amateur haha. It's like I'm a human being who never experience orgasm before (I said it in the most silly way). Feel so happy to finally know what it's like, can't stop telling people about it.
Now I suddenly get this question in my head , "will I be able to take great pictures in near future?"

Deep breath....

I waited but still I have no answer...And sometimes, I feel like I've been taking photograph my whole life...puzzling, processing.

Saturday Lazy Thought

Time is ticking, I have start my day with the thought of being lazy today...oh Mr.B suddenly tune jazz in my room. I think thats where it all begin, me and Mr.B all started with the conversation about jazz, and football...ah it's quite a memory...

To be honest, I have nothing in my head today. Just the thought of getting in front of my lap top, spreading words on my screen...sounds like a good idea. It will look like one of those scene in the movie where a girl get cozy with her legs covered in blanket and start writing about stuff. Maybe i just try to apply that scene to reality.

Saturday, another dinner plan...maybe some pasta tonight. Sounds like fun, oh life...

While I make a give thanks about how amazing my life has been so far, in half of the world people are working. And do you see what i mean?


"People, people! Do you see what is wrong with me?!"

I'm a lazy dreamy creature who gets too comfortable with myself. Not that i say it's wrong, but I don't think it's right to be thankful for little things which actually means nothing, I'm just so good finding the right words to exaggerate it. Am I a liar?

I stopped, until i could find the right word to describe what is it actually.

Bipolar?

"Nahh"

I am a kid , yes i am...I could never grow up, well I've been trying but i have this site of me where i take every thing as if it was a big deal, even the slightest joy or words can make me feel so happy, yet I'm so easy to get offended.

Even I just did, when Mr.B showed me a picture he was taken for his exhibition. He made me guess what is the picture is about, (anyway I wont tell you what offend me). But the photograph looks like this...

There was this two man looking down to the ground. One is a painter on the street sitting down with his painting on the ground yet he was surrounded by a crowd who were looking at him and his art work. But the other man was nicely dressed,he was all alone separated from the crowd. The two of them showing same kind of sympathetic face. Both faced the ground, old and pity. Difference is, the old painter actually get noticed for his pity life, and the other man he was walking all alone in London town, thinking about his misery, all alone...dressed up with coats and ties...

Maybe we're just the same...sad and ignored...

The photograph successfully have an impact on me, and it makes me think

"which old man i'd rather be?" would i want people to know how sad i've been...or would i rather just walk away and be alone facing them...It's like everyone sometimes have the same condition, but the way they face it is completely different. If I open a gallery about it, maybe people will come and take a look, I will be drowned in attention and sympathy from people...but I've decided to be quiet about it,no one will know how many dreams I've given up, how many hope I've lost... I'm outa here...

Have a nice saturday



"Let me walk alone my life without anyone knowing how lost I've been, then if i may someday come to home, i would at least have a story to tell... It's not clever...it's not enchanting...It's what I've go through"

A little about Mr.B

" I'm ready to make days with you...
think about this, I feel so alive..I've never felt like this before..its just you, its all couse of you...don't they know how lucky I am for having you, someone who understand, not everyone has this feeling, even they dont want it, I want it I've wished for it...finally dear...I never write about you,
this is the first time...

How come out of 6 billions people there's someone who can feel just like me, think of love the way I do. We can shop cardigans together...drink our espresso and listening to live jazz.
Its still a mistery now...

I am indeed fortunate...when in fact, we're just so poor, like artist with no manager...like van gough in old times,but I hope we would not end in agony like he did...

I wonder how would you react when you read this,but

this is not a plan"

Yes, I have a man indeed...Let's say he do some kind of artist thing a bit quite my self, but he has a degree to proof it. How lucky...and unlike me, he's a little bit more neat...I would like to say a little bit-more neat, because he actually thinks he's so much more neat than I am, but fact is i found he's not. Just that he doesn't realize it.

Confident, adult, grumpy, fashionably English influenced, also he's into vintage stuff. Loves travel, have high taste of culinary and that's the one thing he always brag about. He always said " you really don't know how to differentiate good and bad food, you cannot enjoy your meal " but however I'm a better writer. OK, enough about it. I don't want to commercialize him.

Meanwhile I was busy fixing my self, he's actually busy looking at his old films taken while he's in London, and back to his laptop where he belongs. Well at least for some period of times. We're both so so poor and try hard to be happy. I think he's better at it.Unlike me, I'm quite a depressed soul like I've mention in my old post ( think i have) It's friday evening and as always we've been making plans for traveling , and it doesn't seems to occur (again) this week. The reason is nonetheless because we are short on cash.

We've been talking about art so much and i know he thinks I don't know much of it. Or indeed, maybe I don't. But my brain is like a sponge slash filter , it will absorb any information that i want to absorb. I did learn a lot about art, and photography from him. I trust him, and i hope i could do at least as good as him in taking pictures sometimes later. We're quite a harsh critics especially when it comes about people who claimed themselves artist when in fact they just use the word 'artist' for money, and admiration.

Once we had an argument after he read me an interview done by Interview Magazine on Tim Burton.

" Well, it’s those things that I always loved. People say, “Monster movies—they’re all fantasy.” Well, fantasy isn’t fantasy—it’s reality if it connects to you. It’s like a dream. You have a nightmare, and it’s got all this crazy imagery, but it’s real. You wake up in a cold sweat, freaking out. That’s completely real. So I always found that those people trying to categorize normal versus abnormal or light versus dark, yada yada, are all missing the point."

I said to him, If those people didn't have a chance to get a recognition from critics , will you trust a single word that comes from them?
(let's say if it was me, but I did not mention it to him at that time, my bad)
As crazy as any artist will sound, will you appreciate what they say if the critics didn't qualify their works?

Then the healthy arguing continued quite long enough until he made this point very clear to me

"True artist would not bother if their work doesn't get a recognition, they will keep doing their work, just because they love to do it, if people only do art just to get a recognition, then they're fake"

I was like "errr, yes" my heart make a squeeky little sound saying "why do i bother so much...?"

Than suddenly i realize that it was all has nothing to do with the art thing whatsoever, and yes true artist would not stop doing their work just because they didn't get any recognition.In the end, i found out that it was all me, I was so hungered by the feeling to be called an artist, I was in greed, maybe at that time what I'm trying to say is this "Ey, I am an artist...give me appreciation" . As painful and embarrassing it is to admit,

"I am dying for recognition" not from anyone, but from him.

Which makes me realize (at that time) that I am not any better than those people I've judged as 'posers' . And seems like I just created my own 'poser' stamp. Big, even bigger in my forehead.

Sometimes it took quite a fight to know how wrong you've been, but at least it's not to late...

Told ya I need to change.

I'd stop it right here

This is worth to try..

I've been so cynic about my self lately...but I wasn't always like this. It can be the outcomes because I've been dreaming too much before, that's one reason I would like and have to agree with. Yes, I am a dreamer. Let's just say, people with biggest expectation will end up with the biggest disappointment. Like me, I guess...

I would write it in the most simple way i could find, or indeed...the only word I could use to describe my self...

I would like to go back a little...nothing about my personal life...but my personal-self i would like to call it.

Like I've said in first few lines before, I use to be a dreamer.I use to think that I'm a wonderful person with every spark. Until lately i found out that i wasn't that wonderful...wasn't as smart and all these times, i was just too comfortable with what I've done...which is not bad, but it's actually not good enough.

That's when my relationship with myself turns really-really bad.

I tend to blame my self for every broken heart, every mistakes, every little thing i could not do, every fight i had with anyone, i always think if i was better maybe this wouldn't happen. If I'm more grown up, maybe things would be better. If i was more gorgeous maybe people would love me more...

The issue is to cover everything. I throw the blame to other people just because i don't want to show this feeling to people. The feeling of disappointment of being not perfect enough.

I build walls, my act are falling apart. I try to outsmart people just to proof that I'm right.

These things are not easy to admit, but with all my heart. I wish to change...and today, i found such great relief that everything will be quite ok. I don't to be such melancholic bitch who brag about how suffered I am, i will once again try to put back some light into my life.

I'm still not depressed and I'm trying not to, so here it goes...