For a while, it's spring

Thee above, you hold the secret of why the colour of the flower match it's smell. And as generous as you can be, we're not forbid to see the sky slightly change it's tone of colour...In this settle ground, through the comfort of my own home. Love and every small fuss (that will only bring us closer together) I would one day leave it all behind. I will someday travel to the other world.

World that is far away from my shelter...world that is not as pretty as the branches that awaits for me every morning. Neither as delightful as the light from the sun that is peeking through my window...

I would one day journey to the coldest sea. Of unguaranteed bridges of life...

Yet...still I'm so close to the life that I know, things that seems to stay...Always, seems like forever. Though I know now that it is only for a while..

for a while It's spring

Rainy Sunday evening thoughts

As Mr.B showed the pictures he’s going to exhibit. I saw the frames. Big and classy, with highly personal touch of art. My mind keep heading somewhere in between 5 years from now, maybe I will make such pictures. I never think things that occur in our lives today has no reason for what will happen tomorrow or many many years later. All of this will lead up to something.

In my opinion, we can’t choose our lives, for every element of fate has chose their owner. And I have never think of choosing art when I was 6 years old drawing things that seems meaningless. I have never chose to get close with someone who knows and taught art. With moments in frame, or get involved with things that no one seems to understand. I have never thought to want this thing, to want my right brain work better than my left brain.

These things are hard to understand. There is no sense to it. Nevertheless every key will somehow belong to a door, a key has never made for nothing. Like a puzzle piece, every small piece of it belong to a big picture. Moments are all connected. It wasn’t just invented to be one or single.

The rain keeps falling outside as the conversation goes along. I may not know the future will be, or how shall I pass these years. And these things I have written is like a big unexplainable question of time travels. I will soon have the answer, but as time rolls along. I have no power to unlock the mystery of this life, will this quest soon stopped by any unfortunate event? I can only hope not to mislead or get into a wrong cross road when it comes to choose a path.

Memories are not something we can bring back to reality once it’s gone. Today, I have missed to capture the moment when my dad was standing near to the door watching the rain, and now, the moment has lost it’s value of trust. It will now remain as an unclear image in my head. That are proof to has no existence. And it is amazing how a photograph can either lie, or bring back the truth of one moment with such silence.

We’re all growing old. We surrender to time that will soon absorb us to uncertainty and immortality. Any unanswered question will live on forever, the moments that are left forsaken will remain as ghost that haunt us to the end of our lives. Yet we know it’s there…we all know, it remains somewhere in us.

“We photographers deal in things which are continually vanishing, and when they have vanished there is no contrivance on earth can make them come back again. We cannot develop and print a memory. “
Henri Cartier-Bresson

Back to where it was

“Please make me humble, faithful and wise…

Please, don’t let me become one of those people who can only judge

without having a knowledge to judge,

I want to listen…

please make me speak only word of wisdom,

and if I shall do mistake, please make me realize so I’m not late to correct them”

Sometimes I was being a little too proud. I was talking to my photography teacher who did photography for 4 years, and currently teaching in big University. As we talked, I sometimes gave him an opinion which only end up bringing shame to myself…somewhere between my heart and brain I seems to feel like I understand the conversation very well.

I’m just human, as I travelled to maturity I sometimes lost myself to greed and ambitions, the eager of becoming someone overwhelmed me, I want people to see me as an image whom I’ve portrayed to be. I want people to recognize me, I want them to know my sacrifice..which now i’ve come to realize that a sacrifice has lost it’s value when the person who choose to sacrifice began to wish for admiration…and at the cross road I could only think ”How did i get here?”

I sometimes ask my self ‘is it really that hard to just listen?’

One time I said to my teacher, that I really want to go outside to take pictures.

But then magically he replied to me

“why do you treat your camera like something you would bring for war? what makes you think you would take good picture outside if you couldn’t take good picture right here ?”

That was not (at all) an answer I expect from him. I was expecting an answer like “great,you’re ready” or at least, an approval from him. How come i get this far without knowing what I’ve gained ? Disappointed with the answer, I was awake for a whole night, until I suddenly stopped. I felt like someone inside me keep saying

“go back”

I close my eyes, then all these thoughts come to my head, slowly…as if I was counting sheep…I remember when I was a little younger, I said to myself that the things that matters most are the littlest thing some people forgotten. Like the rain, the smell of a wet green grass…the golden shine of wheat in harvest season…every inch of wall in my house that filled with warmth a home could ever had, and the lovely conversation in breakfast time.

I remember times when everything is still so easy,

Times when I took pictures for nothing but for me to keep, and I use to say “I want to take pictures so one day my children could see who I was, when I was young and full of life. That I use to dream just like them, …so they know who their mother, and how their father was…” In fact, I don’t mind to have a small life at that time , I was an honest person who make what I feel.

Life itself is ordinary, but the moments you had is extraordinary and it doesnt choose anyone else but you to discover. Things are just wonderful the way they were.

” Nothing is ever that far, after all the most beautiful photograph is just around the corner.”

Little moments

Is it the music?

There are times when I feel so low, as if I want to hide under the ground.Or build our own giant shoe box just for myself so I can feel a little comfort in my own safety zone...
Maybe the truth is, nothing is right...but there's always time when I was sitting in my car looking up to the sky, under the partly cloudy weather...slowly...slowly driving under the constellations of life...going into the highway, watched everything so far ahead as i saw many lines spread from the electricity pillars that stands so high...Then I would start to count every single details I've missed in my drawings...

Or when I woke up in the morning, and drizzles of rainy day peeking from the window pane. Playing a tune of a wonderful melancholy sound...a reminder of November month that once feels so grand to me...my personal treasures...

When I carefully steps downstairs in the morning to have my breakfast and morning coffee...Seems like I want to stop the world, right here...just let me have this moment here a little bit longer...When the sky is clearly blue and you know nothing is wrong...everything will be quite alright...

Slightly...slightly you start to hope again...

The past won't haunt you anymore...they're long gone...and the moment you keep...it stays in your heart...

Slightly...you know nothing to worry about...

Slightly...

Deep breath...nothing is wrong

I'm happy

I Took Pictures

There are days when I decide to learn something, and today is the day when I decide to learn to take photograph...

Leica is the best to learn with, so I can have strong basic in photography. Well thats what my photography teacher said. He said learning with manual camera is better than learning with digital, since I have never learned photography in my life, so I have no power but to follow exactly what he said, hahaha

As a first timer, I went out outdoor and see what I could do with the camera. With little knowledge that I've received from him, I took picture of the branches and trees I could see from my house. I think I did some mistake on the focus, but slowly I could develop to deal with it...or should I say "I wish it's not out of focus". Since it was a manual camera, so the result will remain a mystery until I've finished one roll.

I've been wanting to learn photography in long time,because I've always thought that pictures is somewhat magical. You can have a piece of your memory before it's completely gone. We only live in a moment, It is hard to unlock the meaning of that famous quote we've heard many times. But it is true. The easiest example is when you try to remember about your childhood, when you're a kid seems like it takes forever until you're a teenager. But now you're all grown up with job and different life. And all of those moment you've spent on your life, it's all gone. You're here right now. In this year, not yesterday, not tomorrow. Not an hour ago, not an hour later. But now, and everything behind you has leave you in a speed you couldn't possibly imagine.

Like my dearest friend always said...time flies, so do I want to keep a piece of my life? "yes"

And the only magical tool the genius has ever invented was 'camera' not time machine, maybe not yet. But for now, it's a camera.

In my opinion, I think I'm quite fortunate to learn how to use it . My photography teacher said,

"Learning photography is like piecing a puzzle, if you try to understand just one bits of each part, you wont get it...because every bits of puzzle is like a key that holds one picture together...it was all connected. If you know how to connect them, then you will understand"

As interesting as it may sound, taking a picture with manual is actually not easy. It makes you feel nervous. You would guess, how is it going to look like! You get butterflies every time you feel like you did a mistake. It's kind of an adventure. A little tense and makes you appreciate the greatness of all great photographer in the past before digital was invented. It's not like I disagree with digital, all I'm saying is there's some kind of a thrill you could not get from taking pictures with digital.

God, I'm so excited with this photography stuff and it makes it so obvious to see that I'm a truly amateur haha. It's like I'm a human being who never experience orgasm before (I said it in the most silly way). Feel so happy to finally know what it's like, can't stop telling people about it.
Now I suddenly get this question in my head , "will I be able to take great pictures in near future?"

Deep breath....

I waited but still I have no answer...And sometimes, I feel like I've been taking photograph my whole life...puzzling, processing.

Saturday Lazy Thought

Time is ticking, I have start my day with the thought of being lazy today...oh Mr.B suddenly tune jazz in my room. I think thats where it all begin, me and Mr.B all started with the conversation about jazz, and football...ah it's quite a memory...

To be honest, I have nothing in my head today. Just the thought of getting in front of my lap top, spreading words on my screen...sounds like a good idea. It will look like one of those scene in the movie where a girl get cozy with her legs covered in blanket and start writing about stuff. Maybe i just try to apply that scene to reality.

Saturday, another dinner plan...maybe some pasta tonight. Sounds like fun, oh life...

While I make a give thanks about how amazing my life has been so far, in half of the world people are working. And do you see what i mean?


"People, people! Do you see what is wrong with me?!"

I'm a lazy dreamy creature who gets too comfortable with myself. Not that i say it's wrong, but I don't think it's right to be thankful for little things which actually means nothing, I'm just so good finding the right words to exaggerate it. Am I a liar?

I stopped, until i could find the right word to describe what is it actually.

Bipolar?

"Nahh"

I am a kid , yes i am...I could never grow up, well I've been trying but i have this site of me where i take every thing as if it was a big deal, even the slightest joy or words can make me feel so happy, yet I'm so easy to get offended.

Even I just did, when Mr.B showed me a picture he was taken for his exhibition. He made me guess what is the picture is about, (anyway I wont tell you what offend me). But the photograph looks like this...

There was this two man looking down to the ground. One is a painter on the street sitting down with his painting on the ground yet he was surrounded by a crowd who were looking at him and his art work. But the other man was nicely dressed,he was all alone separated from the crowd. The two of them showing same kind of sympathetic face. Both faced the ground, old and pity. Difference is, the old painter actually get noticed for his pity life, and the other man he was walking all alone in London town, thinking about his misery, all alone...dressed up with coats and ties...

Maybe we're just the same...sad and ignored...

The photograph successfully have an impact on me, and it makes me think

"which old man i'd rather be?" would i want people to know how sad i've been...or would i rather just walk away and be alone facing them...It's like everyone sometimes have the same condition, but the way they face it is completely different. If I open a gallery about it, maybe people will come and take a look, I will be drowned in attention and sympathy from people...but I've decided to be quiet about it,no one will know how many dreams I've given up, how many hope I've lost... I'm outa here...

Have a nice saturday



"Let me walk alone my life without anyone knowing how lost I've been, then if i may someday come to home, i would at least have a story to tell... It's not clever...it's not enchanting...It's what I've go through"

A little about Mr.B

" I'm ready to make days with you...
think about this, I feel so alive..I've never felt like this before..its just you, its all couse of you...don't they know how lucky I am for having you, someone who understand, not everyone has this feeling, even they dont want it, I want it I've wished for it...finally dear...I never write about you,
this is the first time...

How come out of 6 billions people there's someone who can feel just like me, think of love the way I do. We can shop cardigans together...drink our espresso and listening to live jazz.
Its still a mistery now...

I am indeed fortunate...when in fact, we're just so poor, like artist with no manager...like van gough in old times,but I hope we would not end in agony like he did...

I wonder how would you react when you read this,but

this is not a plan"

Yes, I have a man indeed...Let's say he do some kind of artist thing a bit quite my self, but he has a degree to proof it. How lucky...and unlike me, he's a little bit more neat...I would like to say a little bit-more neat, because he actually thinks he's so much more neat than I am, but fact is i found he's not. Just that he doesn't realize it.

Confident, adult, grumpy, fashionably English influenced, also he's into vintage stuff. Loves travel, have high taste of culinary and that's the one thing he always brag about. He always said " you really don't know how to differentiate good and bad food, you cannot enjoy your meal " but however I'm a better writer. OK, enough about it. I don't want to commercialize him.

Meanwhile I was busy fixing my self, he's actually busy looking at his old films taken while he's in London, and back to his laptop where he belongs. Well at least for some period of times. We're both so so poor and try hard to be happy. I think he's better at it.Unlike me, I'm quite a depressed soul like I've mention in my old post ( think i have) It's friday evening and as always we've been making plans for traveling , and it doesn't seems to occur (again) this week. The reason is nonetheless because we are short on cash.

We've been talking about art so much and i know he thinks I don't know much of it. Or indeed, maybe I don't. But my brain is like a sponge slash filter , it will absorb any information that i want to absorb. I did learn a lot about art, and photography from him. I trust him, and i hope i could do at least as good as him in taking pictures sometimes later. We're quite a harsh critics especially when it comes about people who claimed themselves artist when in fact they just use the word 'artist' for money, and admiration.

Once we had an argument after he read me an interview done by Interview Magazine on Tim Burton.

" Well, it’s those things that I always loved. People say, “Monster movies—they’re all fantasy.” Well, fantasy isn’t fantasy—it’s reality if it connects to you. It’s like a dream. You have a nightmare, and it’s got all this crazy imagery, but it’s real. You wake up in a cold sweat, freaking out. That’s completely real. So I always found that those people trying to categorize normal versus abnormal or light versus dark, yada yada, are all missing the point."

I said to him, If those people didn't have a chance to get a recognition from critics , will you trust a single word that comes from them?
(let's say if it was me, but I did not mention it to him at that time, my bad)
As crazy as any artist will sound, will you appreciate what they say if the critics didn't qualify their works?

Then the healthy arguing continued quite long enough until he made this point very clear to me

"True artist would not bother if their work doesn't get a recognition, they will keep doing their work, just because they love to do it, if people only do art just to get a recognition, then they're fake"

I was like "errr, yes" my heart make a squeeky little sound saying "why do i bother so much...?"

Than suddenly i realize that it was all has nothing to do with the art thing whatsoever, and yes true artist would not stop doing their work just because they didn't get any recognition.In the end, i found out that it was all me, I was so hungered by the feeling to be called an artist, I was in greed, maybe at that time what I'm trying to say is this "Ey, I am an artist...give me appreciation" . As painful and embarrassing it is to admit,

"I am dying for recognition" not from anyone, but from him.

Which makes me realize (at that time) that I am not any better than those people I've judged as 'posers' . And seems like I just created my own 'poser' stamp. Big, even bigger in my forehead.

Sometimes it took quite a fight to know how wrong you've been, but at least it's not to late...

Told ya I need to change.

I'd stop it right here

This is worth to try..

I've been so cynic about my self lately...but I wasn't always like this. It can be the outcomes because I've been dreaming too much before, that's one reason I would like and have to agree with. Yes, I am a dreamer. Let's just say, people with biggest expectation will end up with the biggest disappointment. Like me, I guess...

I would write it in the most simple way i could find, or indeed...the only word I could use to describe my self...

I would like to go back a little...nothing about my personal life...but my personal-self i would like to call it.

Like I've said in first few lines before, I use to be a dreamer.I use to think that I'm a wonderful person with every spark. Until lately i found out that i wasn't that wonderful...wasn't as smart and all these times, i was just too comfortable with what I've done...which is not bad, but it's actually not good enough.

That's when my relationship with myself turns really-really bad.

I tend to blame my self for every broken heart, every mistakes, every little thing i could not do, every fight i had with anyone, i always think if i was better maybe this wouldn't happen. If I'm more grown up, maybe things would be better. If i was more gorgeous maybe people would love me more...

The issue is to cover everything. I throw the blame to other people just because i don't want to show this feeling to people. The feeling of disappointment of being not perfect enough.

I build walls, my act are falling apart. I try to outsmart people just to proof that I'm right.

These things are not easy to admit, but with all my heart. I wish to change...and today, i found such great relief that everything will be quite ok. I don't to be such melancholic bitch who brag about how suffered I am, i will once again try to put back some light into my life.

I'm still not depressed and I'm trying not to, so here it goes...